Grad school. v__v

Yesterday was super bad. DF really gave me a hard time… I was going to say “earful,” but it was mostly about how disappointed he is and how unhappy he is with where we are and how he really thought I could do better; it’s not like he actually yelled at me.

What are you supposed to say to stuff like that? “You should have done this” is an engage-able statement, even if my response is “I know, I’m sorry.” (Or, you know, “Here’s why.”)  But “I am disappointed” is inarguable, non-discussible.  I don’t even know how to apologize to that. I don’t know what to do, except mope around feeling like I should withdraw all my job applications and go make jewellery and sell it on Etsy except I’d probably suck at that too.

So… rough day.

(oh also I got my AAAI camera-ready in and it’s good but whatever because of how much of a disappointment I am.)

Furthermore, Mr. Fix-It was supposed to fly in last night, but Delta decided he needed to spend another day in Austin and take another workday off for flying. *Deltaaaa* (shakes fist on top of hill, backlit against a darkening sky)

Rrrgh bitch bitch bitch.  But now I am going to stop.

Dr. P said she found blue lips, well, hard to reconcile.  But I’ve decided they’re actually a pretty good color on me, and fairly flattering.  Know what makes me say so?  This:

OCC lip tar in Traffic.  Special FX hair dye has a shade
called “Yellow as F@#!” (I’m not censoring, that’s the
name), which would be more appropriate I think.

Now that is goofy and hard to reconcile.  This stuff makes me feel like I could wear the blue to work!

And now for something completely different*; lips and jerbs

Or… okay.  A lil different.

Talked to #2U today, negotiating startup packages and salary.  I thought it went super well actually, although talking about money and salaries is stressful, but I think I did ok.  I will have enough, when all’s said and done, so… ok.

Work is otherwise stupid stressful.  (Since I started this post I had a Skype call.  Yes, at 2am; yes with unhappy adviser man.)  Adviser D is not happy with me for how little I’ve gotten done.  I’ve been trying to balance “job hunt” and “graduate” with research, but, well.  He does not think I have done it well.  And the things I have not done yet for the camera-ready tomorrow are unacceptable (“he is very disappointed and not happy”).  (Those are not paraphrase quotes, just what he said.)

I am ready to be the boss of me.  If I blow it, I blow it for myself, sort of thing.  Also [whole separate post about anxiety, stay tuned]

Meanwhile!  As much as I love nail polish, y’know what’s better?  Being a special effect is better.

What?  I was born that way.  Don’t judge, red-mouth.

Here’s the smurfy deal.

Obsession Compulsive Cosmetics has this new-ish, formerly “trade only” product they’ve been hawking, called “Lip Tar”.  Basically it’s stupidly highly pigmented, highly opaque lip goo.  Applied with a brush – it IS goo – it dries to a semi-matte finish.

I split the base pack with a friend: red, blue, yellow, white, black.  The yellow and white are somewhat not opaque enough (CLOWN pix come soon), but even so, this is remarkable.  The blue coat was one thin layer… probably like 50 atoms of product!  I mean ok not literally, but it is so weirdly little.  I kept wanting to put unnecessarily more on.

PROS: mix goos to make any color ever.  Opaque.  Lovely.  Nonstaining.

CONS: expensive (ish). Some colors feather.

I’m looking forward to playing with these!

* Monty Python ref.  No?  Either:
1 (it is baffling) look up more Monty Python humor, it is hilarious.
2 (it is not funny) ok, not everyone likes Monty Python.
3 (what are you even on about) get off my lawn! You dang kids! (Until you have looked up “Monty Python” in your Wikipedia or DangKidipedia or whatever, I don’t even care, then see 1)

“There is an end to everything, to good things as well.” ~Chaucer 1374

I’ma talk about my cat a little. It’s depressing though and probably without much substance, so “Read More” only if you want to.

Gossamer, January 31st:

Asleep on my lap. Which is where he more or less lived. I’ll probably
post more of these, since I have so many. And since he was adorable.

He was the best cat. He was a snugglebug, skittish, prone to sickliness. He was gloriously white and handsome. He lived a long life, especially for a sickly cat with a bunch of crappy internal organs. I am pretty positive he lived a happy one, especially when I decided that taking him to vets and specialists was the only thing negatively affecting his quality of life. Since then, it’s been antibiotics occasionally, or getting a lump looked at, but nothing else. For ten years! So I guess it was an okay decision.

He had a lot of weird rituals. He liked to crawl under the covers with me at night. His purr had a rusty, out-of-tune quality, and was always soft, but easy to evoke — a lap, some skritches. All his favorite foods and treats were seafoody, but he never would eat tuna. Almost everyone who met him thought he was awesome.

I loved him categorically.

Charles Schultz wrote about his dog once. He’d had several, but he wrote (from memory, errors mine):

[this dog] is the one who taught me about the fanatical love a man can have for a dog… there was a sign nailed to our tree that said, “please drive slowly; small dog does not see or hear well”. When he died I tore it down and angrily chopped it to pieces…

Gossamer was a pet, yes. He was also a companion in an important sense. He loved me, he met me at the door, and he was always happiest near me. Even when everything else was terrifying and shitty, he was always in my home, ready to snuggle with me and purr and generally make me feel like the terrifying, shitty world didn’t matter so much when I had this lump of fur and affection. I already miss him so desperately.

Putting him to sleep was terrible, but watching him suffer was unacceptable. When the time came it was very clear. I took responsibility for giving him a good and happy life, not necessarily a long one, and that was my commitment. I’m grieving for me and my life, which suddenly has this jagged and terrible hole in it… but not for him. He, I think, had the best life we could give him, a good life.

Sleep dreamlessly, little cat, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. No prince has ever deserved so much as thee, nor has any prince or king so well deserved my love.